Noe Valley Voice April 2001


Illegal Aliens from Mars will clean your house seven days a week. No local references. Call Klaatu Nickto Baratu at 555-0000.

I Do Everything! Need dogwalking, drywall, or dance lessons? Embroidery, editing, or electrical work? Stockbroker/sniper/storyteller will clean, remodel, bless and sell your house. Water birthing, certified doula, home-schooling, sand-tray therapy, warts removed, nutritious meals delivered to your door, non-invasive assisted living, embalming. Decks, too! Also selling MetaboLike, HerbaStuff, heroin, and a kayak. 699-9999.

Join Watt Watchers. Exercise your eyes, as you watch the bills go up and up and up. Bring kleenex and smelling salts. Light for Life. 1-700-4301.

Turnips to Go. Delivered to your home or office. Contact me and/or order at / Best root vegetables for you and our environment. 555-CHEW.

Fang Shui Newspaper Design. Toss proofreading out the window! Spelling, who needs it? 777-777.

Sniffing Yoga. Learn breathing, smelling, and sniffling techniques to open your nasal cavities to the myriad odors all around you, every day. 555-873!.

Do You Collect String? If you've always wanted to share your hobby with others, here's your chance. We are organizing a nationwide network of like-minded people. If you thought never the twine shall meet, call 555-KNOT.

Purely Psychological. Are you nuts? Call us. 911.

Who Let the Noe Valley Voice Out? You, if you become our new distributor. 821-3324.