With Valentine’s Day upon us, a dating website is
offering up some
statistics on a darker side of marriage. AshleyMadison.com is
devoted to
extramarital affairs, and last month the site sent the media
some provocative
data on infidelity in San Francisco. A quick scan of “The Top
10 Cheating
Neighborhoods” reveals that Noe Valley is doing its best to
keep up with the
Mr. and Mrs. Robinsons of the city.
According to Ashley Madison’s founder, Noel
Biderman, Pacific
Heights leads the pack in cheating, followed by the Financial
District and the
Marina. Noe Valley comes in fourth, trailed by the Sunset. The
Lower Haight
clocks in at No. 10.
Biderman provides a few more stats for our
no longer prim
neighborhood. Men make up 64 percent, women 36 percent, of Noe
Valley online
Lotharios signing up for Ashley Madison.
He says the site determined that Noe was fourth
in cheating by
taking the number of those who register to find dates at
Ashley Madison and
dividing it by the number of adults living in the
neighborhood.
“The faithful in Noe Valley are a minority,”
claims Biderman.
AshleyMadison.com bills itself as designed for
people who are
already in a relationship who want to have an affair, or for
those who are
unmarried but looking for a no-strings-attached fling. The
site’s user
interface even comes with a “panic button” that users can hit
if, well, ahem,
someone walks too near the laptop.
It works much like other dating sites: members
post profiles and
photos of themselves and search for potential like-minded
partners. Users are
able to send and receive messages, “wink” at each other, and
chat online. The
site’s FAQs page lists standard precautions for meeting
someone in person for
the first time, such as not giving out home address or work
phone.
Ashley Madison has been in business for 10 years,
and Biderman
maintains that 20,000 members sign up each day worldwide. “We
are the third
largest dating website in the world.”
An Efficient Way to Stray
Biderman was a sports attorney when he ran across
an article about
how the dot-com world had revolutionized many things—including
dating. But what
caught his eye was when the article’s author mentioned that
dating websites
were overrun with married men looking for extramarital
relationships.
He says he was struck with the idea of creating a
site that would
remove the need to cloak the users’ intentions.
Now a decade later, Biderman is a veteran at
answering the “How
dare you?” question.
“Ask yourself: If I took this site down, would it
stop
infidelity?” he counters.
Biderman, who was quoted in a recent Atlantic magazine
story
titled “A Million First Dates: How Online Dating Is
Threatening
Monogamy,” says you can’t convince people to have an affair,
they choose to
stray regardless of how they find their partner. “And at the
end of the day,
the site encourages people to have safer extramarital
relationships—not through
escort services or even the workplace, which threatens
employment.”
He adds a note of moral justification. “This site
is, ironically,
a place to cheat without lying about it.”
Wandering Eyes Wear Glasses
Biderman is happy to offer more details on Noe
Valley hanky-panky.
The typical married man in Noe Valley who is two-timing with
the website works
in the IT business.
And on average, in San Francisco his Noe Valley
clients are the
ones with the most children.
“Noe Valley has a lot of young families, and I
have to say that
the seven-year itch happens these days at about three or four
years into a
marriage.” He points out that this is typically when children
arrive on the
scene.
“Men join at that time because they are no longer
the center of
physical attention. The sex life changes, and he strays.”
Women in Noe Valley (and the rest of the city)
wait a few more
years into the marriage before signing up for forbidden love.
“Their affairs are usually for communication,”
says Biderman.
“It’s not a sexual void they’re filling, but an emotional
one.”
He adds that, worldwide, hundreds of thousands
join the site, send
one email, and disappear. “They were just testing the waters.”
Biderman, a resident of Toronto, Canada, says he
himself is
happily married.
“Actually, we’ve been going strong for 10 years,”
he says. “I must
be doing something right.” Perhaps a strong dose of reality
every day keeps
things honest at home?
Biderman adds that on singles dating sites people
use the service
until they find a relationship, then end their membership.
“There is a very low rate of quitting my site.”
Any thoughts on his business and the month of
February?
“Yes, we call Valentine’s Day ‘Mistress Day’
around here.”
