| April 2011
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The Noe Valley Town Square, designed by architect Howard Roark, will have a clean uncluttered look. Rendering courtesy Fountain Head Designs
Town Square Design Approved
By Hom D. Poh
It’s official. After almost a year of debate, the Noe Valley Department of Leisure and Loitering has finally okayed a plan for the proposed Town Square on 24th Street. As the sketch below shows, the square will feature an open central space that can be used by residents for walking, standing, strolling, or any combination of the three.
“I think the flow of the space is paramount,” said architect Howard Roark, who created the famous Fountain Head building in Union Square. “Hence, no benches or planters will impede the movement of hoi polloi. I designed the four walls to define the area and offer an homage to the piazzas, squares, and vacant lots found in civilizations throughout recorded history. But the Pergo laminate I chose for the walls looks forward to the 22nd century.”
Construction on the $4.2 million project is scheduled to begin April 1. Roark said he expects a mid-December completion date, if all goes according to plan.
Wikileaks Uncovers Secret Parklet Plans
By Julie Assange
Wikileaks has provided the Voice with proof that plans for parklets along 24th Street were first negotiated by ancestors of the Ohnoe Indians, around 3000 B.C.
Found hidden under shell mounds near Comerford Alley, artifacts included sharpened sticks, a polished rock, a stone bench with what appears to modern eyes to be a cupholder, and also an early prototype of a bulbout.
The prescient Ohnoes, anticipating the need for an urban village hub in the future, set aside as sacred space the spots in front of what is now Martha’s and Just for Fun, allowing no teepees or firepits built there.
Fast-forward to 160 years ago, during Alcalde Jose de Jesus Noe’s administration. A Betamax tape with recorded plans for the pre-parklet spots was unearthed near La Mexicana. Once a compatible tape player was found, early settlers of Noe Valley saw conclusive evidence, including claymation videos, that the parklets were meant to be.
The rest is history.
Pixies Force Local Bars to Put in Pint-Sized Bar Stools
By the Grimm Brothers
ast November, the Gnomey Valley Voice, along with many neighborhood children, reported that five fairy doors had been installed along 24th Street in the wee hours of the morning.
A month later, the doors—a common gateway to the fairy world—were cited for lack of accessibility and other zoning infractions. Two of the doors were shut down outright because the area behind them failed to have a fenced-in dog run.
In March, however, all charges filed at the Planning Commission, DPT, and the Department of Whatever Noe Valley Wants suddenly disappeared.
“It happened overnight,” said Planning Director Eve L. Steppmutter. Since then, the city has been thwarted in its efforts to re-serve the citations, she said, due to blinding sparkly dust storms at the sites.
Then on April 1, Noe Valley bar owners began receiving tiny parchment scrolls written in Elfish-American dialect. One screed informed a bar that its stools were “farr and awae too talle for the wee of us to climbe.” Another claimed the tavern’s new automatic door opener wrecked “havock upon the sprites as they flit thus and about” on the sidewalk.
The scrolls, signed by three well-known flitigants—Oberon, T. Bell, and Snooki—caused a flurry of concern among local merchants.
Blitzed Bar owner Pierre Pan said he quaked in his boots at first. “Then I called my friend, who happens to be a Wizard, and he helped me get in touch with the Fairy Federation to find out their specs.”
Soon thereafter, Blitzed customers discovered tiny new bar stools installed alongside the regular ones.
“The little barstools are just adorable,” said bar regular Lindsay Lohan, “but I keep stepping on them when I reach for my Guinness.”
That could be a problem, Pan said, but in the meantime he is ordering extra Sprite.
Q&A ON 42ND STREET
Voice reporter Anderson Cooper surveyed pedestrians March 19 in front of the Noe Theater on 24th Street: What do you hate about Noe Valley?
A. It’s too much like a small town.
A. It’s not enough like a small town.
A. Too many surfers.
A. It acts like a small town but isn’t.
A. It wants to be a small town.
A. It once was a small town. But now it isn’t.
A. It doesn’t want to be a small town badly enough. Because if it did, it would be one by now.
A. It has thought about being a small town, but rejected the idea.
A. It doesn’t admit it’s a small town.
A. It hates being a small town. It would prefer to be a hamlet. Or a village.
TIME CAPSULE – NOE VALLEY
Time Capsule is a look back at stories published in the Voice in issues to come. This month, we bring you excerpts from 2016, 2061, and 2111.
2016: The Department of Public Works has announced it will roll out a new, more flexible program for cleaning the streets: random street-sweeping. Starting Feb. 31, the city’s automated street-sweeper trucks will get to choose their own days and hours. “The once-a-week and twice-a-month programs have failed to bring in enough revenue,” explains Dusty Rhodes, DPW’s head sanitation engineer. “Too many residents, especially in neighborhoods like Noe Valley, were confused about where not to park their cars between 9 and 11 a.m., noon and 3 p.m., and 4 p.m. and 8 a.m. Now things will be much simpler.”
2061: The historic firehouse at 8816 22nd St. is for sale at a sharply reduced price, according to Ina S. Crowe, of Twin Leaks Properties. Previous asking prices of $12.6, $10.2, and $9.1 million dollars were not attracting the right buyer, she said. “At one point we even lowered the price to $3.1 million, but that was during the Depression of 2012.” She added that the current price of $8.9 million was a steal. “We’re also throwing in a Dalmation and her six puppies.”
2111: Supervisorbot Bevan Newsom-Daly will hold a community meeting on issues related to the Muni hover buses that whisk commuters from San Francisco Island to Land’s End in Redwood City. “Some neighbors have complained that the buses hover for minutes at a time, blocking the view. Another one said the ladders which people have to climb to board the buses pose a real danger, real danger, real danÉ” After several minutes, a passerby rebooted Newsom-Daly, who said, “Someone has to look after the children!”
By Joyce Killjoy
I hope that I will never see
Not to mention Kim Jong-Il,
Stalin, Hitler, Cruella de Vil,
Idi Amin, Robert Mugabe,
These people need to get a hobby.
Poems are made by fools like me,
While Hannibal Lector eats fava beans.
April 5, 8:42 p.m., Sanchez and Elizabeth, Tardy April Fool’s Writing: Officer Keith Lombardo responded to a report that six individuals were engaging in raucous laughter and yelling “April Fools!” four full days after said holiday. The suspects, who claimed to work for a neighborhood newspaper, were later identified as Karol Barske, Heidi Anderson, Sally Smith, Karen Topakian, Michael Blake, and Owen Baker-Flynn. After a good talking-to, all six were handcuffed and driven to the Daly City border, where they were released back into nature.
Cajun Mole Tasting: Hundreds packed Omnivore’s Food for Books for a cooking demonstration and mole tasting on April 2. After the mole finished the gumbo, he quickly burrowed back underground.