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IN THIS ISSUE:
* Real Food Asks for Bailout to Keep Store Closed
* New App Launched in Noe: Fritter
* Bulbout Forces Street Light Out of Business
* Local Ponzi Scheme Based on Food Pyramid
* Pound-Dog Millionaire Moves Into Hilton
* Stimulus Works!
Pooch Wins Top Prize
'Pound-Dog Millionaire' Stuns Quiz Show
By Lassie Faire
Back in the day when he was called "Scram!" or "you mangy mutt," Alpo never dreamed he would be rich. In fact, as a lifelong stray, he never walked on a leash, had a bath, or ate bacon-flavored Snausages. Of course, that was before the former resident of Animal Care and Control appeared on the game show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, broadcast nationwide April 1.
It all started when the show held auditions for contestants at the Cow Palace, just down the road from ACC's lockup for dogs, Bitmo. Alpo managed to escape the prison, and with one muddy pawprint, found himself on the Millionaire contestant list. Due to a clerical error, he was picked to compete on the show despite being a dog.
The day of filming finally arrived Feb. 30. When the studio lights dimmed, the only spotlight was on Alpo.
Show host E. Gregious Fillbin posed the first question:
"What covers the trunk of a tree?"
After some nervous tail-twitching, Alpo answered, "Bark."
"What is the top of a building called?"
"What is the opposite of smooth?"
"Ruff," Alpo replied.
Before a stunned audience of television viewers, Alpo answered one question after another correctly.
As the stakes got higher, Alpo was called into a conference with the show's producers, who thought he might have gotten ahold of the answers prior to appearing.
"He just knew too much," explained Rabid O. Selznick. "But it appeared he came to his knowledge legitimately, during his time as a dog."
The show resumed, and E. Gregious Fillbin read the next question:
"What baseball player was known as the Sultan of Swat?"
Without hesitation, Alpo spoke: "Ruth!"
"Who owns the Cala/Bell grocery corporation?"
The tension was mounting. "In weaving, what are the threads called that are woven side to side through the warp?"
Alpo shouted, "Woof!"
The final question was at hand.
"Who was the Chinese Communist leader in power from 1949 until 1976?"
This million-dollar question sent a buzz through the audience. "He'll never get this one," the crowd agreed. Alpo himself seemed perplexed, and for the first time, chewed his paw.
"May I phone a friend?" he asked.
Fillbin dialed Maddie's Adoption Center, and Alpo's friend, Mr. Mistoffelees, answered.
When asked the final question, the name of the Chinese leader, the cat spoke: "Mao!"
The rest is history.
Strong Evidence of Life on Diamond Heights
By Madge Gellin
Noe Valley astronomers have been scanning the skies, ever since the clear night of April 1, 2009, when pairs of moving lights were seen around the unexplored area just west of the neighborhood.
"These aren't airplanes or reading lights or anything we've ever seen before around here," said Dana Scully-Mulder, a member of the Noe Astronomers Space Association (NASA). "I want to believe there's someone out there who's somehow trying to tell us something."
The area west of Noe Valley has long been considered uninhabitable, with fierce winds and hazardously cold temperatures. Rumors and folksongs have described a large body of water beyond the hills, possibly full of whales, manatees, and mermen. A few fearless explorers have scaled the hills and entered the bleak and lawless region, never to be seen or heard from again.
Lester Yetwah, for one, was a cook at Tien Fu on 24th Street in the 1980s, until wanderlust--some called it madness--made him leave the valley for the siren song of the unknown land.
More recently, daredevil pilot and organic farmer Mollie Stone also made the trek over the hill, and although there has been no word from her, Noe Valleyans haven't yet given up hope.
Meanwhile, the light show continues. And we must ask ourselves: are we alone in the universe, or is there actual life outside of Noe Valley?
Fees at Park Pretty "Ruff"
Seats for Sale at Rec Center
By Sal Capone
Former Illinois governor Rob Blagojevich took over management of Lower Noe Rec Center in April, and swiftly moved to implement the city's new Pay-to-Play park policy.
"Fees at most parks have been hiked," Blagojevich confided to the Voice via a secure tapped phone. "But this Noe Valley rec center is [bleepin'] golden."
The city has set higher rates for the swingsets in the children's playground, he explained. Starting April 1, after the first free swing up, kids (or their parents) will have to pay a dime to swing back.
In addition, seniors will pay 35 cents a minute to sit on a park bench, and spectators in the baseball bleachers will be charged a nickel per inning observed. All park concessions will be monitored by Blagojevich's wife, Patty.
The park also has increased the maximum height for Tiny Tots to 67 inches. (Tater Tots will need to get conditional use permits.) However, group discounts will still be available to mothers with at least eight children under the age of 1.
The rules at Jolly's Dog Run have changed, too. Dogs will get one bark free, but will be charged 50 cents for each additional bark thereafter. A $3.5 million bark detector will be installed to monitor "ruffs" and "yips," Blagojevich said.
Meanwhile, DPW crews flown in from Chicago are erecting a toll booth at the corner of 29th and 30th streets.
"But until they finish putting up the booth, people will be allowed to pay with fish," Blagojevich said.
In response to an outcry from residents, Supervisor Bevel Dufty said he was rushing to apply for CARP funds.
Two-Headed Man Speaks at Town Hall
Although he was of two minds, Sergei O. Gufty, a lobbyist for victims of bipolar disorder, alarmed the crowd assembled at a recent Noe Valley Town Hall when he began talking out of all four sides of his mouth.
25 Random Things About Me
By Noe Valley
* I'm not really a valley, I'm a terrace.
* I was actually named after Henry de Jesus Noe.
* I secretly wish I were affordable.
* I got arrested once, for stealing a Google bus on Castro Street.
* I remember when Twin Peaks used to be Triplets.
* I enjoy feeding goats.
* Frank Lloyd Wright designed most of my Victorians.
* I think organic foods taste funny.
* A creek never ran through here.
* I don't really like dogs.
* One time I slept with Glen Park.
* There were actually fifty 49ers.
* Can somebody please tell me who this guy Harvey Milk is?
* I shop at Walmart.
* I am 98 percent landfill.
* The cook at Speckmann's was Italian.
* I miss Launderland.
* I can't count.
People Fed Up with Wait for Slow Food
By Slim Pickins
A horde of starving Noe Valleons descended like pigeons on the parking lot of the former Bell Market, demanding that a grocery open for business immediately on 24th Street, before Whole Foods arrives next September. The closing of Bell left the neighborhood high and dry--and hungry.
"We've gone since February 15 without groceries," cries Ginny Craig, an Elizabeth Street resident. "I'm using the last of the lettuce I bought then, and the wheat bread is all green."
Although Whole Foods is scheduled to open a small-scale mega-grocerateria in September, and Tom DeLay, spokesperson for Fred Organicals, insists Real Food will be reopening soon, the famished folks of Noe Valley say they can't hold out much longer.
"We're really, really, really hungry," said Dagwood Bumstead, an out-of-work sandwich designer.
The Real Food store has been "under renovation" for the past 17 years. "I can't wait to see what's inside, after all the time they've put into it," said 23rd Street resident Pattie Melt.
99-Cent Store Opens on 24th Street
By Suze Orman
Klieg lights scanned the unseasonably warm spring sky announcing the opening of the first-of-its-kind 99-Cents Stock Store on 24th Street. Mothers with small children in tow, teenagers with nose rings, and gray-haired baby boomers charged through the double-glass doors of the once vacant Real Good, for an opportunity to purchase a piece of recently devalued corporate America.
Long metal shelves stocked with common household names--Citibank, Merrill Lynch, and Fannie Mae--grew bare quickly, as shoppers filled their carts, canvas bags, and empty strollers with unheard of bargains. Wire-mesh bins dotted the ends of the aisles with two-for-one offers on US Airways and Delta.
"I never thought I could own a piece of the bank that held my foreclosed mortgage while collecting unemployment," said Sanchez Street resident Tom Joad, while sipping a free cup of Lehman Bros. Coffee. "Even Chuck Schwab can't beat these prices."
Long lines snaked through the store as giddy bargain hunters quickly adapted to the cash-only business. One hour after the doors opened, manager Michael Milkem closed the doors to newcomers per order of the San Francisco Fired Department. A party-like atmosphere broke out when two children saw a mini-van on the Manager Specials aisle and started screaming, "Mommy, can we please buy a Ford or a GM?! Please, please, please!"
Several parents attempted to get around the per-customer purchase limits set by the SEC by having their children stand in line, only to be told that buyers must be 18 years or older. "If you add up the ages of my three children, you get 18," argued 21st Street resident Pear Sterns.
"I can rest easy now, knowing that I've helped so many novice investors," declared owner Bernie Madoff as he swept up the red, white, and blue crepe paper streamers littering the sidewalk.
Whole Foods Offers Good Trips
By Cal A. Bell
Excited about the success of its Tuesday shuttle from Noe Valley to Whole Foods on Potrero Hill, regional vice president Chick P. Bean has expanded the van service to other Whole Foods locations.
"Since many of our more discerning customers expressed a desire to taste foods grown in other environs, we decided to offer this exclusive service," announced Bean in the organic grocer's e-mail newsletter Sour Grapes.
The once-a-week free service, set to begin on April 1, will operate on Wednesdays from 9:30 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. A 13-passenger van will make a continuous loop, picking up shoppers in front of Bell Market at 33950 24th Street and taking them directly to the Robson Street Whole Foods in Vancouver, Canada, and the 97th Street location in New York.
"If demand is great, we'll be happy to consider adding Paris and Hawaii to the schedule," said Florence Fennel, vice president for marketing and customer service.
Yul Brynner Sues Local Mailery
The estate of the late Yul Brynner has filed a $10 million dollar copyright infringement lawsult against 24th Street business Mailboxes Etc. The bald-headed actor, known for his portrayal of the title character in the 1962 epic Taras Bulba (Tony Curtis played his brother, Andrei Bulba), filed the suit April 1, 2009, when his executor and frequent costar Sylvia Nefertiri observed that the postal/copying/packaging business was using one of Brynner's trademark phrases.
"In The King and I, as the king of Siam, he said over and over, 'etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.' It was 'this, etcetera' and 'that, etcetera.' You just can't miss it," Nefertiri attested. "Now this bubble-wrap business is cashing in on his fame, etc."
Besides the hefty damages sought, Brynner's estate is demanding that Mailboxes Etc. cease and desist using his trademark "etc." and change its signs, receipts, and bags, etc., to read "Mailboxes and So On and So Forth."
April 1: SF Film Fest screens Droob-E, a film about a lonely robot who falls in love with a realtor and brings life back to Noe Valley. 7 pm. Compacto Theater, 1 Wall St. 555-AWE.
April 1: Dave "Easter" Eggers hosts a DIGRESSIVE READING about rabbits and bunnies, "Hare We Are," featuring Michelle Peeps, Wascally Wabbit, and Elmir Fudd. 8 pm. Hopwell's, 2100 Jump St.
April 2: Disgruntled 25th Street residents are invited to the city's annual WIFE SWAP MEET sponsored by ABC TV. 1 am. Civil Center, 100 Poke at Grovel St.
April 2: The ODD THURSDAY series at the Noe Valley Ministry holds a Brussels-sprouts eating contest to benefit Vegetarians Anonymous of the Bay Area. 7 pm; no-roast dinner at Cookez, 5 pm. To reserve, strain liquid.
April 3: Whole Goods Market and the 24th String Cheese Co. mediate their differences at a "Come to CHEESES" meeting. 4 a.m. Sun Valley Cows Dairy, 1601 Church.
Affordable Staycations in Noe Valley offer a restful sojourn in familiar surroundings. Single room to mini-mansion, your own home comfortably furnished by you to your needs and specifications. Daily, weekly, and monthly rates include use of your kitchen and bath, laundry if you have one, and outdoor space where applicable. 510-SIT-STIL.
Cash-4-Money: Send us your old money, and get cold hard cash! It's easy. Just fill the postage-paid envelope with your wrinkled bills and tarnished coins, and we will RUSH you actual cash. Don't delay, don't hesitate, don't even think about what you're doing. Just fill up the envelope and drop it in the mailbox. We'll do the rest. 800-QWK-CASH.
Hardscrabble Childhood? Did you always get the Q, and never pick a U? Did your mother know words like "adz" and "qat"? Daniel Webster Counseling and Challenges, 1-800-TRPL-WRD.
Lawn Order: NV. You have the right to stamp out crabgrass, and win the war on weeds. Anything you spray can, and will, be used against pests. You have the right to flowers. If you cannot afford them, some will be pointed out to you. 555-4DDT.
Piranhayana Yoga concentrates on strengthening the jaw and teeth. Classes offered lunchtimes in Noe Valley. 555-CHUM.
Overweight? Overopinionated? Undereducated? If this is you, or someone you know, well, there's really not much we can do about it. Just keep away from 25th Street. And while you're at it, keep away from me.
Noe Valley Fleakeepers now hiring performers for 2010 circus. Must know basic larval moves, including jump, twitch, flail, and nip. 555-ITCH.
New in Noe Valley!
Offering All Your Favorites
Donuts, onion rings, pineapple slices, swiss cheese,
Bundt cakes, Life Savers
Underwritten by Firestone Tires
We're Fully Transparent
Wonder why this April Fool's issue is hitting the newsstands on April 2 instead of April 1?
We like to know what we're talking about!
(Forgive us, President Obama.)
Thank you for your patience.
MORE DISCLOSURES FROM THE 2009
ZOMBIE BANK & TRUST
MAJOR SHAREHOLDERS: KAROL BARSKE, SALLY SMITH
401K CONTRIBUTORS: HEIDI ANDERSON, JOHN HOHULIN, ELLIOT POGER, KAREN TOPAKIAN, BARB & DOUG KONECKY
OTHER DEPOSITORS: JACK TIPPLE, CORRIE ANDERS, LIZ HIGHLEYMAN, PAMELA GERARD, BEVERLY THARP