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The Baloney Valley Voice
Nudity: It Made You Read This Headline
By Charles Foster Kane
Did you ever notice how newspaper stories start out with a question? Like you're supposed to sit up and say, "Gee whiz, I never asked myself that," and drop everything so you can read on and find out the answer? It's just a ploy to get your attention. For instance, if you start to find this paragraph boring, you might sex stop reading, and then I won't be assigned more columns to big money write. Lots of writers who ponder serious free drugs government and local issues wouldn't be getting douchebag read, and they'd be in the unemployment line. Pretty soon, the only articles in the paper would be about puppies and Paris Hilton.
Dubai-Rite Is Noe's New Grocery Mecca. Now that the UAE has taken over Bell Market, the old Kroger and Ralph's brands have been replaced by Sheik-and-Bake, Saudi pop, and 17 different kinds of hummus. Photo by Hijack Tipple
Ralph's Chain Sold to UAE Conglomerate
Bell Market to Reopen as Dubai-Rite
By Elliot Kroger
In a move sure not to generate any controversy, the giant Ralph's chain of grocery stores (including its Bell Market subsidiary) has been sold to a foreign company, Dubai Food World of the United Arab Emirates. As part of the $400 million deal, Bell Market on 24th Street will be remodeled as one of Dubai Food's flagship "Dubai-Rite" stores.
Gabe el-Pita, CEO of Dubai World, is jubilant about the purchase, and not only because he saved $73 million by using his club card. "The U.S. has brought the exciting benefits of Western civilization to us in the Muslim world, and we look forward to returning the favor."
President George Bush, when rousted from an engrossing game of Boggle with the news, expressed optimism about the merger. "These are the times, um, we are going forward to the future when things will be changing in the right direction for America." When pressed for more detail, Bush admitted that this was the first he'd heard of it and could he please get back to his game, the timer was running.
Ralph's other regional subsidiaries will get a facelift as well. For example, Piggly-Wiggly stores (located across the southeastern U.S.) will become part of Dubai World's "Goatly-Woatly" division.
But the deal is not without its detractors.
At least two of San Francisco's small organic grocery chains, Holy Foods and Rial Foods, say they were blocked from bidding on the 24th Street store. "It's hard out here for a shrimp," complains Ann Dronico, sole proprietor of Holy Foods.
"Neutral" Sue Tickle, matriarch of the Middle East & West of Castro Improvement Club, worries that foreign ownership of the neighborhood's lone remaining supermarket may compromise parking lot security. "Can we trust these foreigners to prevent disruption of traffic flow by delivering unauthorized packages to the video store? And what about guarding against left turns onto 24th Street?"
CEO el-Pita seeks to reassure residents, noting that parking-lot patrols will continue to be performed under the auspices of the Department of Homeland Security. He also says there are no changes being planned for the store, aside from an entirely new staff and inventory, and construction of two 60-foot-tall minarets.
Pending ratification by the Federal Trade Commission, the deal should be final by next Thursday. In the meantime, you might want to stop by Bell for special closeout deals on matzos and bacon.
Library Renovation Takes Two Full Days
By James O'Frey
Local residents were startled to learn that on March 14, two days after it closed for a two-year renovation, the Noe Valley Library reopened with a sign out front announcing, "Historic Restoration Complete! Come In and Enjoy!"
"I was just going up there to leave some paint cans in their dumpster, and I realized the doors were open," said Jersey Street resident Noah Permits. "When I poked my nose in, there the kids were, reading In Cold Blood. It must have been preschool story time."
According to project architect Halliburton and Sons, the job moved along much more quickly than expected. "We put in a lot of overtime in those 48 hours," said Richard Halliburton, acting contractor.
Halliburton pointed out that almost all the scheduled improvements in the $7 billion project have been accomplished: The library's big clock has been reset to the correct time, a new light bulb has been installed in the foyer, and the magazines have been updated to the most current issue. Also, new Pentium I processors have replaced the old Kaypro computers, and Noe Valley native plants now sit on the librarian's desk.
While leading the Voice on a tour, Library Bond Manager Miss Moneypenny said, "I hope nobody minds, but we weren't able to keep the Dewey Decimal System." Instead, taking a page from Dobie Books in the Mission, the library has arranged the books on the shelves by color. Asked where the new elevator was, Moneypenny explained, "The cost of postage went up again, so we had to knock that out of the project. But there are elevators at the Main Branch."
As for the earthquake repairs, she said, "We all know now that the 1906 earthquake was a hoax and never really occurred. So we bought a few bird prints."
By April, patrons were already streaming back to the branch and greeting Noe Librarian Carol Squall as if she'd never left. "Actually," said Squall, "I never did leave."
Levis Breached on Grand View
By Seymour Butz
The neighborhood is still reeling following last month's massive breach in the Levis worn by more than a hundred residents on Grand View. The disaster was triggered April 1, when Manny Peebles ate the last meatball on his plate at Haysnack Pizza and then trudged up 24th Street. As he spread, a loud ripping sound was heard all the way to Bernal Heights.
"It turns out everybody in the neighborhood was wearing the same kind of jeans," said Fire Chief Frank Jordache, "and they weren't the relaxed-fit kind, if you know what I mean."
While FEMA twiddled its thumbs, the city mobilized a relief effort. As helicopters dropped needles and thread, iron-on patches, and other emergency notions, Grand View residents huddled for warmth behind trees recently planted by FLUF.
Mayor Denim Thensome, wearing a safe pair of chinos, asked victims to gather at the rowing machines at Fit Tite on Church Street for next year's evacuation by [CONTINUED ON PAGE 501]
Lost in the Fraud
By C. Biscuit
Thought you'd seen the last of cheating, plagiarism, or identity theft in the media? Well, think again. The Voice has just learned that Lost in the Fog, the champion thoroughbred sired by local realtor Harry Alito and named America's Outstanding Sprinter of 2005, is not a horse but rather two guys wearing a burlap horse costume.
In an April 1 interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper, Alito was forced to admit that the two former joggers had been masquerading as a Noe Valley equine. It turns out Alito was in cahoots with a fleet pair of runners he'd first seen on Sanchez Street in October of 2002. "Actually, they were so fast, I hardly even saw them," Alito says. The duo began their charade soon after, collecting purses worth thousands of dollars (some for winning horse races, some Louis Vuitton), and a few big flowered horseshoe trophies.
The two-part costume was extremely well-tailored, so the veracity of the "horse" was not questioned, even after nine races and numerous trips to the winner's circle. Ed Dobbin (front end of horse) and Clyde Dale (back end of horse) were taken into custody at the Bay Meadows Detention Center, where they will finish off their days working in the glue factory.
Alito expressed no regret about his foray into the seamy underbelly of horse-race fraud. "My conscience doesn't nag me."
Alito was later nominated to the Supreme Court.
Real Estate Bubble Bursts!Everyone said it was going to happen sooner or later, but nobody believed it really would. All it took was a strong updraft zephyr blowing up the hill from Glen Park, and the precious bubble, which for many years had been kept safe in B.J. Doubee's foyer, flew up into the sky, impaling itself on the north spike of Sutro Tower. Although realty pundits insist the bubble's loss won't change house values, Noe Valley homeowners began selling their Victorians and heading back to small towns in Wisconsin. Meanwhile, beatniks, hippies, musicians, artists, and ne'er-do-wells are flocking back to the city in droves. Photo by Pop Tipple
Ski Resort Opens on Twin PeaksBy Mogul Poger
Tired of sitting in traffic jams on the way to Lake Tahoe? Thanks to the snowiest Noe Valley winter in years, and the gumption of a local entrepreneur, you now have an alternative.
For the last few years, gas station operator "Big" Pat Roleum has been raking in profits tied to the skyrocketing price of oil and the voracious appetites of popular automobiles such as the Plymouth Hemisphere. In fact, at the end of each day he's had trouble stuffing all his $100 bills into the safe--it was clear he needed a place to invest his money.
When the Blizzard of '06 blanketed San Francisco with snowfall levels 430 percent of normal, Roleum found the inspiration for his new venture, and on April 1 opened his new expanded business: Two Peaks Gas and Alpine Ski Lodge.
On opening day, Mayor Gavin Winsome (accompanied by his Church of Scientology handler) was on hand to cut the ribbon on the first chair lift. This turbo lift whisks skiers to the North Peak summit (elevation 34 feet) in less than a minute. Roleum admits that North Peak doesn't hold the same challenge as some Tahoe mountains, but work has already begun on a second chair lift to the South Peak summit. With an elevation of 922 feet, South Peak will cater more to thrill-seekers and the mildly masochistic.
Although Two Peaks Lodge got a late start this winter, business is still going strong due to the great spring ski conditions. At press time, the North Peak summit had a base of 4 microns, topped with 26 angstroms of fresh powder. But before you head up the mountain, remember that chain controls are in effect for Clipper Street beyond Portola! Be sure to read up on current road conditions in the Voice.
The Great Shakedown of '06:
Debunking the "Science" of Seismology
In this month's Bylies, local conspiracy theorist Andre S. Calaveras gives us his perspective on the controversial field known as "seismology."
This is the time of year when the mainstream media will try to fill your head with all sorts of silliness about so-called "earthquakes." It's going to be especially bad this year, with the 100-year anniversary of the apocryphal "Great Quake of 1906." More like the "Great Shakedown of 2006." Note the record sales of emergency kits, bottled water, and books like The Earth Jiggled, The Sky Looked Nasty.
In case you're unfamiliar with the story, it goes something like this: So-called "scientists" at the "United States Geological Survey" promote a theory--completely unproven--that upon occasion, the ground shudders violently, causing everything sitting on top of it to shake. This supposed phenomenon is known as an "earthquake" and--get this--is allegedly caused by giant plates moving around under the Earth's surface. I hardly know where to begin. Giant plates moving around underground? What, and saucers fly across the sky? Please.
Of course, these are the same people who tell us that the Earth is shooting by under our feet at 1,000 miles per hour. Look down, it's not moving, is it? C'mon, guys, get your story straight!
Even more galling is the notion that this "earthquake" happened in 1906 and destroyed much of San Francisco. Sure, the media prints all sorts of crazy stories about this...but if you get fired from your job and examine the archives closely, like I did, you will see that most of the newspapers for April 18 have mysteriously disappeared. What exactly are they trying to hide?
Even more damning are the conflicting accounts of 1906 quake "survivors." As we all know, eyewitness accounts are the most accurate record of events that happened decades ago. Have you ever seen these people interviewed? You can't get them to agree on anything. Some insist the quake happened at 5:12 a.m.; others at 5:13 a.m. I'd think if I'd been through such a "great" event, I'd remember the details better.
Mark my words--this month, you're going to hear a lot about this "Great Quake of 1906." But as far as I'm concerned it's a lotta [CONTINUED ON PAGE 6.8]
LITTER TO THE EDITOR
Who Is Peter Gabriel?
I know I am not the only local wondering about the relationship between Peter Gabriel and the Noe Valley Voice. First of all, you have to go back to Genesis. Then, just to shock the monkey, in 1989 he wrote the musical score for Scorsese's The Last Temptation of Christ. So...do I have to hit you with a sledgehammer? Take a look at me now.
Phil Collins, Sussudio Street
Who Is Clark Gable?
Regarding Burt Lancaster's letter to the editor (March 2006 Voice): Some of us know Clark Gable as Rhett Butler and as the guy on the other side of the sheet dividing the room in that old Claudette Colbert movie. Always ahead of his time, he was a cowboy actually named Gay in The Misfits (1961). George Clooney looks a lot like Clark Gable, but frankly, I don't give a damn.
Ashley Wilkes, Hattie McDaniel Street
Who Is Peter Rabbit?
I am happy to tell you who Peter Rabbit is. Peter Rabbit is a very good bunny. One of four little rabbits who lived with their mother in a sand-bank, underneath the root of a very big fir-tree, he did not go down the lane to gather blackberries. Instead, he ran straight away to Mr. McGregor's garden, where he ate some lettuces, French beans, and radishes. At this point, he encountered Mr. McGregor, who ran after him with a rake. In the ensuing chase, Peter lost his shoes among the cabbages, and his brass-buttoned blue jacket in a gooseberry net. Peter made it back home safely, I am happy to report, and Mr. McGregor went back to hoeing his onions.
Beatrix "Harry" Potter, Nutkin Sanitarium
Psychiatric Help Is On the Way
By Etta P. Knutt
The international group Doctors Without Borders has announced the formation of a new sister organization, Therapists Without Boundaries, which will be sending teams of psychiatrists to Noe Valley.
"Even with a therapist--or six or seven--literally on every corner, many residents of Noe Valley have been overwhelmed by debilitating depression and other maladies over the past couple of years," says TWB founder Sigmund Fattoush, M.D. "We're going to do whatever we can to help."
Dr. Fattoush said the top 10 conditions found in Noe Valley were infantifilia, escrowsia, warophobia, obsessive-rutabagel disorder, bi-rite brain, MikeyTomism, Bushophrenia, Stockholm syndrome in dogs, and the prevailing belief that Noe Valley is "better than" Glen Park.
"Also, it's probably not a surprise that on 30th Street there's a high incidence of borderline personality disorder," said the cigar-smoking [CONTINUED NEXT SESSION]
Little Jack Horner is still trying to figure out what thumbs are for, but his mother, customer Leslie Craw, has the answers on hand at Just Thumbs, a new store on Clipper Street. Photo by Plum Lamasil
1311 Clipper Street
A new nail palace has joined the string of self-improvement spas lining Clipper Street. Nestled between Pore Little Rich Girl and Me Look Pretty One Day, the new salon, called Just Thumbs, opened on April 1, in the spot formerly occupied by Talk to the Hand.
Owners Amory Bord and Lorrie-Elle Cutex, both longtime residents of Noe Valley, created Just Thumbs to cash in on the neighborhood's nail craze. "We did a great deal of market research and determined there was room for a couple hundred more nail salons in Noe Valley," says Cutex. "But our boutique will be unique in that we're the only ones offering the exclusive Thumbilbee treatment, concentrating on thumbs."
Just Thumbs is for those who are looking for something more than the generic, 10-finger manicure, Cutex says. "And we really see a need here in Noe Valley. After all, the thumb is the hardest-working digit and deserves extra pampering. I mean, it's what separates us from the apes."
"We took a long time deciding on the name," notes Bord, gnawing on her cuticle. "We came close to calling it All Thumbs, but we were concerned that might send the wrong message--that our clientele was clumsy. So to avoid confusion, we went with Just Thumbs. This is a salon for all women. All women who have thumbs, that is."
Prices range from $3 a thumb, to a package of 10 for $25, for those who are, in fact, all thumbs. Each Thumbilbee treatment includes a mineral salts thumb whorl-bath, a therapeutic antioxidant thumb wrap, a deep-tissue thumb massage (Shia or Sunni), and a high-gloss enamel polish. French thumbs are $2 extra, but come with Brie.
While Cutex and Bord acknowledge they have no professional health or beauty training, this entrepreneurial duo has spent months hitchhiking around the country interviewing women with thumbs and researching legends and myths surrounding one of women's most precious assets. "The thumb clearly dates back to prehistory. This can be verified by cave paintings, Coptic frescoes, and primitive driver's licenses," says Bord.
Just Thumbs is open Mondays from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m., and available for private thumb parties. Closed Mondays.
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See Alice! For a short time only, the makers of Viagra are offering Noe Valley residents a 30-year, fixed, non-adjustable erection with no balloon payment! Call today: HELP-U-SWELL.
Your Impersonal Handyman. I won't shake your hand, ask your name, or need access to your private space. For pre-screening, send SASE to My Big Corporation, Salt Lake City, UT 30010.
Brokeback Chiropractic: If you've been out all day or night on the range, your spine may need a slow poke. Our cervical adjustments fix spurs, chaps, and saddlebags, too. Call Dusty, 555-0931.
What Can Window Cleaning Do? Relieve grime, ease chronic eyestrain, allay fears that someone's lurking in the yard, help you see if it's raining, and tell you where you are living. Mr. Squeegee, 415-555-DRIP.
A Murmur in the Heart of Noe Valley. Local poet selling copies of works, including Sanchez Street and Other Sorrows, The Love Song of J-Church, and Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Life Grocery. $2 or best offer. 415-POE-TESS.
Cat Sitting in the sun. Now she's over there on the rug. Oops, she left the room. Now here comes the dog.
April 1: Noe Valley Pet Coterie holds Fashion FAUX PAWS, a seminar on doggie dos & don'ts. Meet designers Rowf Lauren and Yves Saint Bernard at 3 pm.
April 7: Bring your Premarin and a towel to the sixth annual BURNING WOMAN Festival at the former site of A Girl and Her Hormones; ice provided. 3:30 am.
April 10: Shoe Biz's new owner Ed Sullivan hosts a grand opening celebration, "A Really BIG SHOE," with music by Penny and the Loafers. Sun., 8 pm. 1959 Arch St. 555-EEEE.
April 10: Bedbugologist Mite Scabey discusses"The Urban Pest" in a hands-on slide LECTURE at the Garden for the Exterminator, noon-? Sixth and Mission streets. 555-ITCH.
April 12: Grand Opening of Sergio's HAIR Replacement/Serena's Depilatory Salon. "Her loss is his gain." 1 Bush Street.
April 22: Join L. RON Mumble in a lifetime commitment to Silentology. Start now. 1-800-555-HUSH.
Hello, I am Oprah Winfrey, and I am very disappointed to tell you that America has been lied to about this April Fool's edition. It was not written--as we had been led to believe--by six overweight Goth teenagers from rural Kansas, who are currently living in a Glen Park squat. In fact, these pages were deceitfully compiled by staffers at the Noe Valley Voice--and yes, some of them are middle-aged women who never even had an eating disorder. I am so sorry you were subjected to columns, photos, and art by:
Karol Barske, Elliot Poger, Sally Smith
With collusion from: Heidi Anderson, Paula Benton, Leslie Crawford, Doug and Barb Konecky, Erin O'Briant, David O'Grady, Jack Tipple, and Karen Topakian
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