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April Fool's Specials
The Noe Is Now Legal Tender
By Jack Dawslovemybigsphinxofquartz
Some people have a Yen, some drive a Euro, and others sell shekels by the seashore, but in Noe Valley, we measure our wealth in Noes.
Beginning April 1, the Noe will be the official--and only--currency accepted in the neighborhood. Roughly equivalent to $10 or four lattés, each Noe is woven from hemp and printed in purple ink, distilled from organic beets.
Residents can convert their old American dollars at two locations in the neighborhood: Washedup Mutual Bank on 24th Street and O'Greenspan's tavern on Dolores. For each $1,000 exchanged, you will receive a special certificate allowing you to exchange a thousand dollars more.
"We wanted to reward our neighbors for their support during these troubling economic times," said Merchants Association President Joe Millionaire, who spearheaded the drive to introduce the new money. "And we're delighted they're helping us, by spending all their money right here!"
Shoppers should note that although the Noes are welcome on the three main blocks of 24th Street, they are worth nothing east of Guerrero, west of Diamond, north of Elizabeth Street, and south of Jer-
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In Mr. Poger's Neighborhood
The sun rises blithely on another day here in Happy Valley. Pedestrians flow down the sidewalk along 24th Street, babbling like a brook, pausing to laugh with friends and scratch dogs behind the ears. Most, of course, are on their way to work at fulfilling jobs, but many others are just plain enjoying their vacation days, thanks to efficiency gains resulting from recent corporate mergers.
Indeed, neighborhood travel agents have seen quite a boom in recent months as residents take advantage of these fat economic times to travel overseas. This winter's big destination has been Baghdad. As you may know, that colorful city is the capital of the storied nation of Iraq, nestled between eclectic Iran and charming Syria. Travel agents attribute this "Baghdad Boost" to President Bush's recent trip to Baghdad, where he announced a massive buildup in our Peace Corps deployments in the region.
Just back from an invigorating jaunt to Baghdad is Horatio Algernon, whom you may have encountered in years past as one of our colorful, jocular panhandlers. Thanks to the city's new "We're All in This Together" homelessness outreach program, not only does he have a rewarding job in the Financial District, but he has received treatment for his chronically swollen foot and is literally on his own two feet again. On this sunny morning, Algernon emerges from Tom and Dave's Juice-Them with a tasty "Ambrosia Amnesia" smoothie, just as a sleek city bus glides up to the corner.
Meanwhile, as schoolchildren dance along the sidewalk on their way to school, shopkeepers remind them to stop by in the afternoon for freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies. Their teachers, having been whisked to school in limousines earlier in the day, are savoring canapés prepared by Mrs. Butterworth and the rest of the cafeteria crew.
Yes siree, things have never looked better in our town.
Algernon attributes the positive vibe to the sustained economic growth our region has enjoyed in recent years. "It's just like all the analysts told us," he beams. "Our investment of time and money in the dot-com economy has produced a sustainable dividend, shared among us pretty equally."
The only drawback is that we rarely get to see beloved beat cop Guy Lombardo in the neighborhood anymore, because of the lack of crime. "I can't remember the last time my place was broken into," said Vic Tim, "even though I never lock the doors."
"D'accord," congenially interjects Louie Cans. Cans, a member of a cultural exchange program visiting from Paris, cites the global sense of contentedness resulting from the Pax Americana that has followed the Cold War. "This sense of peace and security lifts the spirits of people around the world. It is a great honor and pleasure to share the global community with our friends, the Americans!"
With that, the trio proceeded down the street for a healthy and delicious breakfast, the perfect start to another perfect day here in Happy Valley.
Editor's Note: Rod Serling and Jack Daniels contributed to this report.
Pardon Our Dust!
Voice Bunker Construction Almost Done
From Under the Editor's Desk
Who's responsible for all that dust and digging and noise on 24th Street? Okay, we confess: it's us. The staff of the Noe Valley Voice is putting the finishing touches on our seven-story bomb shelter, following approval April 1 by the city's Planning Commission.
Though the building, to be located six feet under Bliss Bar, is somewhat large, as a concession to neighbors who complained that it was a "monster," we have scaled it down a full three feet and turned down the music. Designed with the help of Los Alamos scientists and Tuggey's Hardware, the 35,000-sq.ft. bunker has been built to withstand nuclear missiles, suicide bombers, chemical weapons, and ants. It will be stocked with bon-bons, gumbo, and margarita mix for 40.
Originally, the Voice hoped to accommodate all Noe Valley residents in the shelter. However, we are sorry to report that due to personal spatial needs, the bunker will be open only to current staff.
If an unforeseen disaster on 24th Street prevents us from executing our plan, you will find us up on Church Street, where we'll all be in Deep Sushi.
"I come in peace. I mean, I grow peas," said resident alien José de Jesus Noe. "Corn, too," he added. Photo from the San Frantipple Archives
Was José de Jesus Noe an Alien?
By Rosemary Cloney
Although it has long been acknowledged that the founding father of our neighborhood, José de Jesus Noe, was an immigrant, the Ralphians, a local sect, discovered that he traces his origins from many light years farther away than Spain.
In fact, Noe arrived here in 1802 from Willa, a small green planet just outside the Sanchuzian Nebula. His spacecraft, in the shape of a mule train, crash-landed at the top of Battle Mountain. Longtime Hill Street resident Scully Muldar noted, "He just appeared out of nowhere."
The Ralphians, who meet for monthly worship at Bell Market, were forced to admit to Noe's alien status when an historical photo of the settler/spaceman was unearthed at a 30th Street garage sale. Although faded by time, the image clearly shows a goggle-eyed, antennaed, and mustachioed Noe, a little over a meter in height, with pale green skin and six legs
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Examiner Makes a 'Change' for the Better
By P. R. Hack
Starting April 1, the San Francisco Examiner will embark upon another glorious phase in its 120-year history. On that day, the 50-cent fishwrap will become the first daily paper in the United States to actually pay people to read it. In fact, people will be paid just to remove it from a box on the sidewalk.
Readers will recall that three years ago, William Randolph Hearst IV and his minions paid the Dang Family of Waco, Tex., $666 million to take over the publication. This once respected news organ, with a daily circulation of 100,000 copies, has now been reshaped into a tabloid read by literally dozens.
However, the Dangs had a problem: the bulk of the money was paid to them in quarters. After their bank refused to accept such a large volume of quarters--even in rolls--the Dangs decided to install a special coin return on their newsracks, which would pop out a quarter once the door was opened.
There is some worry that people might open and close the newspaper box without taking a copy, or perhaps take a copy without actually reading it, and that eventually, this sort of behavior might lessen the value of advertisements placed in the paper. After all, ads will be the lifeblood of the Examiner once its operating subsidy runs out a couple of decades from now. But Dang has a plan for this, too. "I don't want to give anything away (except the paper)," she says with a mischievous grin. "But let's just say that you might find a crisp new dollar bill stapled in there every now and then."
PAGE 2 Fool's
[Caption Cars wrapped in plastic photo:]
At Least the People Who Live in Cars Are Safe. Everybody knows it's illegal to live in cars, but high rents have made it a necessity for a number of new curbside residents of Vicksburg Street. In compliance with homeland security guidelines, the four-wheeled dwellings are wrapped in plastic sheeting and secured with duct tape (not shown). Inhabitants are now safe from chemical and biological toxins, nuclear fallout, and the corona virus, but suffocation has proven to be a nasty side effect. Photo by Pamela Jihad
APRIL 1: The Roxie premieres The Nanoseconds, one of the year's shortest FILMS, based on a paragraph by Virginia Woolf. 250 showings daily; call for times. 16th & Valencia. 503-2091.
APRIL 1: The San Francisco League of Urbane Gardeners (SLUG) holds its MONTHLY MEETING. Bring caviar to share, an ascot, and an air of sophistication. RSVP to Reginald.
APRIL 1: The Noe Valley SENIORS lunch group performs A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bathroom. Mon.Fri., noon to 1 pm. 1012 Sanchez St. 555-3401.
APRIL 1: The Noe Valley MYSTERY Book Club meets to discuss The Case of the Disappearing High-Tech Job and Where'd That Building Go? Midnight. Under the streetlight in the corner by the old craggy elm tree to the west of Rudy Paul.
APRIL 1: Sarin & Ricin perform COMEDY "that's an absolute gas," according to underground sources. Today, 7 pm. Modern Times Infirmary.
APRIL 1: The Friends of the Urban Forest gives a lecture, "The Many Shrubs and Bushes of Texas and Florida: Is Pest Control Possible?" 2 pm. The Secret Garden. 7th Ave. and Never.
PROTECT & SERVE FAJITAS
Lunchable Looting: 7:03 a.m. on April 1; 30th and Noe streets
Noe Valley residents were shocked by an early morning heist at a local bus stop that left one toddler in tears and another behind bars in what city officials have already dubbed "The Unmentionable Lunchable" caper.
About 7 a.m., 4-year-old Alex Fagan III, a student at the PeeWee Herman Daycare Center at 30th and Noe Streets, approached another 4-year-old and demanded to know the contents of his Barbie lunchbox.
The targeted tyke stammered, "My Luncha-boohoohoo..." as Fagan III grabbed the box and punched the victim in the nose. "I did it because I could," he later told investigators.
Fagan III was placed in the new Michael Jackson/Little Rascals Anger Management Program on Alcatraz Island. That afternoon, Jackson staged a media event in which he appeared at a third-floor window of the prison, startling reporters by allowing the diminutive Fagan III to dangle him by his toes. Both incidents are currently under investigation by the SFPD Crime Scene Machinations Unit.
* A woman in the 100 block of Hoffman Avenue reported on Tuesday that her next-door neighbor had stolen her favorite baby name, then promptly sold her house and fled.
* A family living on Diamond Street told police that someone had stolen their anti-war window signs and left behind a French beret. "Who would do something like this?" asked the reporting party. "I give up."
* A scuffle occurred Tuesday morning at Herb's Fine Foods. A bedraggled woman told responding officers that she was trying to sit at a booth by herself when a waitress asked her to sit at the counter, since the booths were reserved for two or more. In the ensuing brawl, the customer was left with egg on her face.
* A shoplifter at Jest for Fun filed a complaint with police saying store officials had refused to add her picture to the Wall of Shame. She was informed that store owners had converted to digital photos, and she would be charged $5 if she wanted hers posted.
* At 9 a.m. on March 18, 2003, the FBI caught a man answering to the name of Ashcroft on the 400 block of Army Street with a Shredmaster 1000 and the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. All the FBI could find intact was the Second Amendment.
--Officer Karen Suzanne
Noe Valley Makes Plans to Bomb Itself Into Extinction
By Niah List
In a startling show of solidarity with the peoples of Iraq, residents of Noe Valley have agreed to drop bombs on themselves at noon on Tuesday, April 1.
This planned annihilation comes as a relief to parents, who have been concerned about the effect the war in Baghdad is having on their dogs.
Our local Neighborhood Emergency Response Force (NERF) group is supporting the plan. "I don't think anybody believes duct tape or plastic sheeting will protect them, once somebody does something like shock and awe to us over here. Who knows what some terrorist will come up with--bombs, or toxins, or annoying radio commercials--we can't fight all that," said NERF's Ball.
In fact, the consensus in Noe Valley is, the sooner the better. "Once we get this stuff over with, we'll be able to rest
CONTINUED AT HEAVEN'S GATE
CLASS bin ADS
Help Wanted. If you feel like sending your resume, go ahead. Just kidding! We won't read it! Write to Big Biz, 666 Market St.
Are You Hot? Hollywood producer seeking women with high FSH levels to compete in new reality show. Finalists will be rated for menopausal zest by judges Gail Sheehy, Gloria Steinem, and Simon Cowell.
Klutzy? Dr. Yu Dropsey discusses "The Good, the Bad, and the Clumsy" in a workshop at St. Fluke's Hospital. April 2. Bring your own gauze.
Weapons of Mess Destruction. Organizing and cleaning are our mission! We have mops, pails, brooms, swiffers, scrubbies, scouring pads, and rum-soaked babas. 555-1092.
Survivor: Douglass Park. Join the Canidians or the Onleashes competing each weekday, 3 pm, for alpha status. Please, no Felids, Ratticas, or Peepsickles.
George W Bush Pruning Service. Landscaping, wetlands destruction, wildlife sanctuary leveling, general bombing.
If You Are Looking for a Housecleaner with great local references, who will be reliable, experienced, and hard-working, don't look at me. I'm a bookkeeper. 555-AUDIT.
Home Decorating with an eye on ch'i, wu-xing, and bacillus anthracis. Specializing in cabinet-level work. Visit our web site, www.ready.gov.
Palm and Tarot Readings. No need to call for an appointment. We know you're coming.
Dirty Bombs Housecleaning. Available seven days a week. You will be shocked and awed by our references.
Wanted: United States President. Rule free world. Available 2004, possibly sooner. Office in Wash., D.C.; telecommute OK. Call 1-800-M-PEACH.
Slightly Dusty Baker for sale. Will clean up nicely for cubcakes. 555-ALOU.
PAGE 3 FOOL'S
IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS
[Hussein in Sandbox photo caption:]
Is It Him or a Double? The Voice is checking the authenticity of this FOX-Jazeerah photo, purportedly showing Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein fleeing into the desert following a fierce battle with U.S. troops. Photo by Checkpoint Charlie Kennard
'Smoking Gun' Found
By Smithy Sal
The FBI announced today that the infamous smoking gun, which has eluded authorities for the past year and a half, has finally been found, on a back table at The Peaks bar.
Though it was partly submerged in a warm Guinness, the weapon was still smoking (despite posted health warnings). It appeared to be covered in fingerprints, likely those of Saddam Hussein, Robert Blake, or Squeaky Fromm. After dousing the fire, FBI agents confiscated the gun and ordered a pitcher of beer.
Lead Stages a Comeback...Asbestos, Too!
By Victory Fries
Continuing a trend set earlier in the Bushes' administrations, EPA administrator Christine Toad-Whitman announced two new programs that will provide tax incentives for producers of asbestos and lead. The agency also rescinded all prior regulations governing these two popular materials.
"This is a great leap forward," beamed Republican blowhard and legislation sponsor Newt Gingrich. "We've been trying to get the lead in, as best as we can."
As for the thousands of lawsuits pending on asbestos-injury matters, Attorney General John Ashcroak said he looks forward to their instant dismissal. "That will clear the way for the tremendous influx of abortion prosecutions we expect as a result of the recent reversal of Row vs. Wade," Ashcroak added. " As you know, we have waived the statute of limitations on crimes, and the Justice Department expects approximately 4,563,771 cases to be brought against doctors who performed abortions, women who had abortions, and individuals who ever thought about maybe having an abortion."
Experts agreed the courts could become swamped, and suggested perhaps religious tribunals could be used to expedite the process. "We're going to need to do something about the backlog," said Ashcroak's assistant, Bishop Polly Wog of Calaveras County. "We also have to accommodate all the cases triggered by the repeal of the physician-assisted suicide law in Oregon last month. We've already begun the exhumations of some of the defendents and when you add in the doctors and families, that comes to quite a few religious combatants from that source. Forgetting about the burden on the courts, we need to find a place to put these defendents first! Guantanamo Bay, warts and all,
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We Like France
Noe Valleons/ Frogs Trading Places
By Sal Rushdie
In the 18 months since the Sept. 11 tragedy, more than half of Noe Valley's 25,000 residents have swapped houses with people in France. The obvious reason is that many locals wish to opt out of the war with Iraq and show solidarity with a country that has stood up to President Bush. However, results of a recent survey conducted by the French Tourism Board paint a more complicated picture.
When asked why they wanted to move to France, Noe Valley house-swappers said they were attracted to the French cuisine, art, culture, and appreciation for dogs and black clothes. But a surprising 75 percent also cited the relaxed health and hygiene codes. "You don't have to shave your underarms over there," noted Harry Bodie, who used to live along Comerford Alley. "Besides, you can still smoke."
For their part, French citizens are flocking to California, and to San Francisco in particular, for the Ambiance (located at 3985 24th St.) and direct access to clowns and mimes. They also were drawn to a charming American trait: cheapness. Said recent emigré Jack Shrack, "What we love most are your $2 wines by this Chuck from Trader Joe's."
Pre-emptive Parking Meters Deployed
By Sazzan Whosane
Officials from the San Francisco Department of Parking and Traffic were on hand at a meeting held at the donut shop Tuesday to explain the features of the new high-tech "smart" parking meters on 24th Street.
For those of you who hadn't noticed, the new meters--which take all coins except the old French ecu, as well as American Express, Discover, and Diner's Club, and I.O.U. slips for your firstborn son--last month replaced the meters that only took quarters.
"The simple design of the meters belies their monitoring and tracking potential," parking enforcement officer Jorge Ohwell told the crowd. "The flashing red 'Expired' message uses satellite technology to locate and alert the nearest meter maid--er, officer," he said. Each officer's vehicle is equipped with a computerized map of the area, with blinking dots indicating the expired meters.
The colors of the blinking dots include red, orange, yellow, blue, and green, depending on the immediacy of the call. Ohwell refused to explain why purple was left out of the scheme, and why blue came before green when the rainbow shows them the other way around. However, he noted that "the bases of the meters are filled with shaving cream and are set to explode if the sensors detect a car driving away before a parking officer can reach the spot."
In related advancements, the officers have been given permission by acting Police Chief Fagin to shoot tranquilizer darts at drivers who are trying to flee.
Ohwell explained that parking had become such a problem on the strip that the department had decided to approach it pre-emptively, a first for the office.
The meters have been programmed to detect whether a driver is even thinking of parking illegally, in which case it is entitled to use force against the suspected malingerer. A boxing glove has been carefully fitted inside the meter's head and will deploy at appropriate times, Ohwell said.
Asked whether the lot at the old Dan's Garage--which has been turned into a de facto free parking area--has detracted from people using metered spots, Ohwell appeared unconcerned.
"You're really not supposed to park there under city resolution 1442. I trust the citizens are heeding that."
Cardboard Man Accepts Notions
By Rhea Cycling
Merchants and residents alike are shouting "Hallelujah!" now that 24th Street's cardboard collection man has begun picking up unwanted buttons.
There is no limitation on the size or shape of buttons, and two-eyed, four-eyed, and loop-back buttons are all acceptable. Conveniently, the various configurations of buttons need not be separated from each other. A special round red bin will be assigned to each household or business for the express purpose of used button collection. On the designated day of the week, the buttons bin must be placed near the curb, but only after 6 p.m. to avoid incurring a steep fine.
In the San Francisco of the future, it is planned that other notions will be deemed acceptable for recycling, including empty thread spools, shoe polishing cloths, and nylon hairnets.
READ 'EM AND WEEP
Your reading list this month, selected by Noe Valley Bookmobile patrons Sally Grief and Small Karol, features a few books. To find out what's up, call 555-FINE or visit 451 Jersey Street, near Castro Street. Besides books, the branch offers some old copies of the Noe Valley Voice. It also has free periodicals in the foyer, such as Proper Parenting Digest and the Psychic Clarion; a women-only literature section in which no men are allowed; and a whole shelf devoted exclusively to penguins.
2 In The Colon in the Title: Making the Names of Literary Books on Paper Continue and Go On and On Endlessly Without Stopping, author Colin O'Scopey examines excessive verbiage, redundancy, the tendency to be prolix, and how we occasionally tend to repeat ourselves.
2 Cooking on the Lamb by Shari Lewis offers sheep and chic recipes from Sarah Jane Olson, Dick Cheney, and Osama bin Hidin'.
2 J.K. Growling's latest, Harry Potter and the Order of Takeout, begins where Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce left off. Ages 8 to 80.
2 J.R.R.Tolkien's undiscovered masterpiece Froda tells the story of an artist and Hobbit married to philandering Middle Earth muralist Diego Baggins. Ages 11 to 12.
2 Neighborhood musician Milton Url takes ages 6 through 8 on a tuneful trip through all the web sites on the Internet. April 1 through Dec. 4, 2007, 4 a.m. to midnight.
Preschool TV Time
2 Children ages 3 to 5 can watch and learn inappropriate life lessons from popular talk shows and soap operas from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Tuesday, April 1.
2 The library invites grownups to watch films including Birdman of Alcatraces, Escape from Homelessness, and Bowling for Concubines.
2 Cats are now welcome at the library's family lapsits for infants, toddlers, and their parents, as long as they don't use their claws.
from America, Iraq, and
Noe Valley Mujahedeen Series at the Noe Valley Ministry of Truth presents
The Iraqi Horror Picture Show
* The Singing Missiles * The Odai & Qusai Duo *
* The B-52s * Donny Rumsfeld's Republican Jug Band *
Auditions held in front of
At Long Last--
Noe Valley's Own
Available at Unreal Foods on 24th Street
SO NATURAL. SO UNCHLORINATED. SO NOE.
Now we have to 'fess up and say who is responsible for this annual (April) feature in the Noe Valley Voice. Please forgive us if we've stepped on any toes. But heck, there was a war going on.
Fool's Editors: Peter Arnett, Karol Barske, Geraldo Rivera, Sally Smith
Fool's Photos: Pamela Gerard, Charles Kennard, Jack Tipple
Fools with Immunity: Heidi Anderson, Harry Ballard, Olivia Boler, Victoria Colgan, Suzanne Herel, Doug & Barb Konecky, Erin O'Briant, Elliot Poger, Karen Topakian