Noe Valley Voice April 2002

Noe Valley's 'New Vigilance'

By El Liot Qaeda

We have lost our innocence.

Since the terrorist attacks of September 2001, there has been a palpable sense of edginess blowing in with the evening fog over our fair neighborhood. Although the terrorist acts to date have taken place thousands of miles away, few neighborhood residents who understand our unique position as the Center of the Universe can pretend that Noe Valley is not on the minds of our nefarious enemies. And thus we stand guard against those who would do us ill.

This new vigilance can be seen in the steely eyes of the National Guardsmen who enforce the one-hour limit on free parking at Walgreen's. It can be felt in the determination of the Noe Valley Post Office workers who handle our mail with salad tongs. It can be heard in the barks of the Jack Russell terriers, defending our homes against falling leaves. It can be seen in the singlemindedness of residents to find Osama bin Laden before someone else gets the $25 mill.

And it rings loud and strong in the words of the oldtimers ordering biscuits at the counter of Herb's Final Foods: "Hey waitress, let's roll."

Lester Haddock, Commander in Chief of the Noe Valley Professional Mercenary Association, has stepped forward to lead the people of Noe Valley through this difficult time. Immediately after the terrorist attacks, he was whisked into a taxicab and driven randomly around a secret area dubbed "The Outer Sunset" to evade any possible followup acts of violence. This area had been laid out specifically for this sort of circumstance, in such a way that every block looks the same and thus confuses enemy forces.

Within days, the cab had run out of gas and Haddock had wandered back into Noe Valley, where he warned rogue neighborhoods against taking advantage of the current confusion and harming the local business interests. "Make no mistake," Haddock said, "Willie Brown is on our side in this crusade. We are under attack by the Axis of Evil: Iraq, Iran, and West Portal. So help me, Hannah, our stroller-pushing, Passat-driving yuppie spirit won't be crushed by these evildoers."

Haddock, a former underwear model, has enjoyed an unprecedented level of popularity in the wake of this new vigilance. He has taken advantage of this political capital to push through measures like the computerized facial-recognition system at Just for Kicks/Toasterstrudels.

Although some pinko kooks have objected to these measures as "abridging our constitutional rights," or some such drivel, Haddock stands firm in defense of our way of life.

"If we stop double parking for single lattes, they've already won."