Noe Valley Voice April 2002

Cheese It, The Cops!!!

Making Vaguely Derogatory Comments to Corporate Sell-Out: 8:03 a.m. on April 1; 3800 block of 24th Street

An employee of Andersen, Shredding, and Howe was walking down the 3800 block of 24th Street on his way to BART when he encountered a motley crowd of transients who appeared to have nothing to do but drink hot beverages, talk, pet small animals, and read newspapers while lolling about in a disorganized manner.

The pencil-pusher noted that as soon as he passed by, the suspects began to cast veiled aspersions, sotto voce, such as "wage slave" and "worker drone." Although he was outnumbered, the bean counter managed to scurry to the doorway of a salt mine and call for help. A police dragnet resulted in the arrest of two suspects, who were later identified as Kenneth Lay and the bewhiskered Al Gore.

--Karen Utopian

Burglary and Forced Entry of Residence: Between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. on April 1; 500 block of Br'er Oaks Street

The fair, flaxen-haired resident of a thatched cottage in the 500 block of Br'er Oaks Street told police that she had locked all the windows and doors of her home before leaving for Hi-Ho Tuffet Solutions, Inc., at 9 a.m., but when she returned at 5 p.m. the front door was open. The targeted part-time shepherdess with eyes the color of a mountain flower found three members of the Ursus family asleep in three beds of differing sizes. She also reported there were three half eaten bowls of soymilk and granola, in varying degrees of doneness, left on the kitchen table.

After analyzing the scene, Officer Grimm of the Ingleside Station determined the report was just a fairy tale.

--Bruno Bettelheim