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APRIL 1: "What Shall We Tell The Dogs?" features valuable advice for consoling grieving canines post 9/11. LABSITS at the Noe Valley Library, 555-6095.
APRIL 1: Realtor® ELLIS SACKT performs a concert of middle-of-the-road classics, including Lien on Me, I Gotta Escrow, and She's a Brick House. Noe Valley Music Series. 8:15 pm.
APRIL 1: Come meet RALPH, whose name appears on all our household products and foodstuffs. 2 pm. Bell Market, near the frozen food case.
APRIL 1: RIVERWEED, famous Irish dance troupe and environmental activist organization, uses precision movements to remove choking overgrowth from clogged streams. Performing noon and 2 pm in Glen Canyon.
APRIL 1: JOHN EDWARD communicates with the crumbs of breakfast past in Croissant Over, a one-man, one-act, one-horse play. 4 pm. For information call Miss Millie's Psychic Hot Line, 555-DEAD.
APRIL 1: Foes of Noe Valley plans ways to bring LITTER AND DECAY to one of San Francisco's most gentrified neighborhoods. This month's topic:is cigarette butt distribution. Midnight. Wolf Club, 42
APRIL 1: Brownies or blunts? Sharon Stoned leads an intermediate POT SMOKING workshop for 11- to 14-year-olds with note from a parent. Salt Lick Middle School parking lot, 4 p.m.
APRIL 1: AL JAZEERA, with special guest Fatwa Slim, performs forbidden hits, including "Jalalabad to the Bone," "Jihad to Be You," and "Osama Time and the Livin's Queasy." 8:15 pm. Noe Valley Music Serious at the Noe Valley Ministry.
APRIL 1: The VERY ODD MONDAY SERIES at Noe Valley Ministry features one-armed jugglers, tone-deaf chorale singers, and trapeze artists with vertigo.
APRIL 1: Geeks Are Really Furious (GARF) members MARCH in protest of nerdy computer workers who "have stolen the name of good people who bite the heads off chickens." Noon, White Hen Pantry.
APRIL 1: "Can Having THREE NAMES Make You a Criminal?" is the topic of a panel discussion led by John Wayne Gacy and Cary Louise Stayner at the Honest People of Noe Valley's monthly meeting.
APRIL 1: FILMS for preschoolers including Mommy Dearest, Lolita, and Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? will be shown at 10:15 a.m. at the Noe Valley Library.
APRIL 1: Wimyn's group meeting features analysis of the PATRIARCHAL HEGEMONY in Noe Valley (Herb's Fine Foods, Dan's Auto Service, etc.). No men, male-identified wombmyn, non-fymenists, or "surrendered" sorts, please.