Noe Valley Voice April 1999

Noe Valley Advances into the Mission; Valencia Falls

By Doug Colicky

DATELINE PRISTINA, KOKOMO: Troops loyal to Supreme Commander Noah Munnydown captured the vital Valencia Corridor today, as part of Noe Valley's long-running campaign to annex the oil-rich Mission District.

Defeated ethnic Valencians threw down their superburritos and paid homage to Commander Munnydown, strewing garlands of rental units at his feet. "You better hand over everything," warned Munnydown, "because I have two backup offers marching down Liberty Street right this minute."

Meanwhile, air strikes were stepped up in Eureka Valley, by order of Field Marshall Marshall Fields.

In a related story, there was dancing on 24th Street when word of Glen Park's surrender to Generalissimo Lola Petrillo reached the Juiced for Fun Bar. Generalissimo Petrillo became the first military commander in recorded history to cross the treacherous mountain passes which for centuries have formed the boundary between civilization and Glen Park, on a bicycle. "We've had our eye on that BART station for a long time," said Petrillo, gesturing down First of April Boulevard (formerly Diamond Street).

In a ridiculous story, the Diamond Heights Surfers Association has announced an unfriendly takeover by Noe Valley DotCom, a high-tech firm headquartered in Noe Valley South, formerly Silicon Valley. Diamond Heights CEOs Jan and Dean remarked, "We had no choice but to accept Noe Valley DotCom's terms. They gave our recycling center an offer we couldn't re-use."

On the far eastern front, bombs are continuing to rain down on Pomeranian strongman Slob Milosevic, who has remained steadfast in his refusal to go outside. Meanwhile, Ambassador Madeleine "The Body" Albright demanded asylum in Maui for the more than 10,000 Kurds and Wheys fleeing the spider by the tuffet.