Noe Valley Voice April 1999

Gross Ads

Wanted: Large garage, tower, and generators suitable for refinery. Near firehouse preferred. Need to relocate immediately. Call Tosco, (510) 555-BOOM.

Noe Valley Doomsday Cult Forming. Can you use a compass, draw blood, or play the spoons? We need you to help usher out the old millenium. Nerve gas provided. Y2 worry? Call (415) Y2Y-2Y2K.

Egg Donors. Grade AA or above. Expiration after April 1, please. Call the Easter Bunny, 555-HOPS.

Druids for Hire. Hauling -- heavy stones our specialty. Peat bog dredging. Seasonal work preferred (solstice, equinox). $20/hour; soothsaying extra. Call Steve, 239-1114.

Movie Theater in Noe Valley Wanted. Willing to trade nail salon, dry cleaners, video store, writing groups. Call Butterfield 8.

Upper Noe Hamburgers Monthly Meeting and potluck. Bring a vegetarian side dish and your own catsup. 6 ­ 8 p.m. Sloppy Joe's.

Ball of Super String. Nearly new (9 or 10 dimensions; fits Feinstein's Theory of Relativity). Best offer. Serious collectors only. Beechwood 4-5789.

Ethnic Cleansing Housecleaning. S. Milosevic. 555-6666.

Linda Tripp School of Dance. Two left feet? Two right feet? A variety of unmatched feet? Learn by phone. Call for Noe Valley phone number.

Book Signing at the Ms. Tree Bookstore: Meet Ayatollah Tommiano, signing his bestselling Memoirs of a Gay Shah; plus, see the new Betty's Curry Cookbook; Pigeon Soup for the Soul by Charles Squab; I Am Too a Planet by Pluto. 2001 24th St.

Discreet Plant Massage: I'll come to your home and massage your green companions while you're away. (No thistles, please.) The Healing Thumb. Call Fern now.

Still Watching MSNBC? I can help you stop. I offer nonpartisan treatment for Post-Impeachment Stress Disorder (PISD) and other civil disorders. Registered intern supervised by House Manager Henry Hyde and Dr. Jekyll. Lucianne Goldberg, MFCC No. 5.

Grand Opening: Little Brussels Sprouts screens movies for infants and toddlers 0 to 2, including A Buggy's Life, The Crying Game, and Shakespeawe in Wuv. Showtime 10 & 11 a.m.

Sneezing Yoga Meditation. Workshops for extremely shallow breathers include gentle poses "The Sinus," "The Mite," and "The Dustpan." Bring an empty stomach, yours or someone else's. Don't bring a rug.

Hyper Critical Mass performed by a parental figure saying "What's with the hair? You're not wearing that, are you? Stand up straight! Take your feet off the furniture! Shave your legs!" Sisters of Perpetual Insults.


Nouvelle Cuisine for Dogs


Curried Cajun Milk Bone in a
Liver and White Wine Sauce

Snausages au jus

Pig's Ear Bolognese


Death by Chocolate

Ben & Jerry's Alpo Swirl

Happy Hour

Free well drinks at the toilet


Foreskin Reattachment Parlor

If you can find it, we'll reattach it!

"I'm not just the WorldWraps spokesman, I'm a WorldWraps client."

-- Bob Dole, Mightysoft Inc.

Eli Limpy, M.D.

Upjohnson Pharmaceuticals

Viagara Falls, New York

You have been reading this for 42 minutes. Are you sure you don't want to go get a snack now?


Just for Spite

Gifts for That 'Special' Someone

* Voodoo Dolls * Alar Apples *

* Condoms Made in the Former Soviet Union *

* Outdated Jars of Mayonnaise *

* Unwrapped Halloween Candy ("Take a chance!") *

* Swollen Cans of Vienna Sausage *

* Medical Waste Grab Bags *

* Fruitcake * Anthrax *

* Bags o' Glass * Bags o' Vipers *