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Victorian Fixer-Upper Sells for $12.5 Million
By Nottin Meinback-Yard
Real estate costs ratcheted up another notch in Noe Valley last month when one of the most dangerous dwellings this side of Pacifica fetched $12.5 million after frenzied bidding by desperate home buyers.
The tiny, rat-infested, one-bedroom, half-bath, garageless, dark, dank pile of gasoline-soaked kindling, located on Comerbun Alley, was last painted in the 18th century, before the invention of paint. Recent El Niño storms, pouring through gaping holes in the roof, turned the living room into a smelly swamp of slime, moss, and furiously mating mealworms. The neighbors say that stray cats often try to cover the building with pawfuls of dirt.
At an open house Feb. 29, roaches the size of burritos squatted lazily on what remained of a kitchen counter. Bare wires hanging from the ceiling spat sparks to the floor below. The walls displayed an assortment of anti-Noe graffiti ("Go Home, José de Jésus Noe!"), scrawled with a mixture of axle grease, soot, and pasta primavera.
It was rumored that the former occupant was the Pigeon Lady's lunatic son, who had not been seen leaving the house for 20 years.
Still, new owners Mopsie and Tad Burstyur-Spleen, who have a 3-month-old child, were ecstatic to close the deal at a mere $12.5 mill.
"Tad had to punch some guy who was in line ahead of us, and I ended up having to sleep with the mortgage loan officer, but it was all worth it," said Mopsie. "This way, with luck, little Thelonius will be able to attend Alvarado, and we understand that there are frequently parking spaces only three or four blocks away!"
The Burstyur-Spleens plan to invest approximately $5,000,000 to bring the property up to code. "We're probably both going to have to work an extra shift at Happy Donuts," said Tad while brushing the cobwebs out of his teeth.