Noe Valley Voice April 1998

Meat Me at Bell Market

By Sir Loin

Following the unexpected popularity of the ostrich tastings at Bell Market (see Voice March 1998), the grocery store has beefed up its butcher-shop selection. Now Bell is offering:

Monkey: Although we share primate status with the apes, surveys have confirmed that most health-conscious Noe Valleyans have no qualms about consuming our hairy cousins. These daysthe most popular item in the 24th Street store is a pre-cubed simian stew meat, Rhesus Pieces.

Butterfly: With or without tangy wings, the midwestern Monarch tastes just like chicken, says insect buyer Franz Kafka. "These creatures come in many colors and are available in 12-packs next to the party trays," he said. However, butterflies are not recommended for the hearty appetite, since it takes 300 of them to get .02 percent of your daily requirement for protein.

Amoeba: These crispy, free-range microorganisms are imported from a dude ranch in Sonoma County and sold to adults only in the bulk food section.

Rogue Elephant: Instead of turkey this year, try Peter's Pickled Pachyderm, prepackaged in a two-ton slab (enough for a family of four). "It cooks up really nicely with their sofa-top stuffing," said meat lover Oprah Winfrey.

And for neighborhood vegans, Bell has agreed to stock:

Ground Sequoia: These former redwood giants are freshly chopped and shipped via UPS from Muir Woods.

Carbon Paper: "Amazingly, this tastes just like chicken," said green grocer Leonardo DiRadicchio. "But it was made from recycled materials."

Rock: "Try it with salt, in three flavors -- granite, igneous, and sedentary," said parking lot attendant Barney Rubble.