Noe Valley Voice April 1998

Colicky Mass: Minors Mass on 24th Street

By Bill Yardbird

April 1, 1998, NOE VALLEY -- Traffic in downtown Noe Valley came to a halt this evening as several thousand parents pushing strollers and baby carriages, and one coffee-chugging reporter, jammed 24th Street in the latest monthly gathering known as Colicky Mass.

Loosely organized by members of the San Francisco Breeders Coalition, the demonstration clogged dozens of Noe Valley intersections as parents, nannies, and the occasional pedophile stopped in mid-crosswalk to chat, compare pre-SAT scores, or brag about their Macy's modeling contracts.

Barren residents watched helplessly as wave upon wave of Baby Gap­clad, cranky, drooling rugrats rolled from one street corner to the next.

"How the hell am I supposed to get to work?" groused bike messenger Pierce D'Uvula, who was stranded interminably at 24th and Noe. A few feet away, in the middle of the intersection, a harried mom squatted beside her stalled, thousand-dollar, two-toned, quarter-ton, Plymouth-sized, air-conditioned, airbag-equipped, dual-exhaust, adjective-laden, multi-hyphenated stroller, frantically trying to dislodge her daughter's Princess Di Beanie Baby from the spokes of the back wheel.

Also trapped in the gridlock was a Nickelodeon TV crew, filming the grand opening of a Critically Moist diaper-changing kiosk at 24th and Vicksburg. At the ceremony, Mayor Kathleen Willey Brown was shouted down as s/he tried to give a speech on birth control.

Meanwhile, Thelma N. Looweez, a protester from Dogs First, let loose her Giant Pekinese on the unsuspecting crowd screaming, "Remember Noe Courts!" The crowd immediately dispersed...